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Liquored-Up Let’s Play – Fus Roh Yeah!

Welcome back, everyone, to this week’s Liquored-Up Let’s Play!

Though I have yet to acquire any official sponsors (something about them not wanting to “support a bad habit”),  I’ve decided to press on anyways and deliver unto all of you yet another chapter of my misadventures. I hope you enjoyed if more than I enjoyed the morning after!

Tonight’s LULP (thanks to my Editor, since the crowd seems a bit shy) pairs the serene world of Skyrim with the hearty taste of a selection of ales and a bottle of mead. I’ve never had mead before, but I’ve certainly drank my fair share (and somebody else’s) of ale, so I feel like the two will inevitably balance each other out.

Ales Consumed: 1

Skyrim has been out for quite some time now, so before T showed up I decided to see what the cool kids were doing and browsed the top pages of the Nexus Mod site. Suffice to say, there were certain elements that seemed a bit…risqué (No, I don’t think Whiterun needs a lingerie shop so stop asking), so I kept on browsing till I found a handful of mods to spice up the night.

Ales Consumed: 2

T has finally made it and we’re all settled in, cheap pizza to the left, cooler of beer behind us, and the golden bottle of honeyed wine to our right. It was a veritable feast from the Aedra.

Character select seemed like the most prudent course of action, and while digging around the multitude of races, we decided our paladin should hail from the proud race of Ikea-Borns. A few tweaks here and there and Maaallllmmm (Madame Desk Chair) was born, resplendent in her splintery glory. She was grace, power, and craftsmanship incarnate. Alduin won’t stand a chance.

Yeah you wish your chair had a mohawk

Ales Consumed: 2/Shots of Mead: 1

One of the mods gave us an alternate start, conveniently located in the bottom of a sunken ship. Luckily, chairs float, and we soon found ourselves at the beachside camp of an oversized iguana. Admiring his collection of shiny jewels and fine furs, I decided sweet lady Mara might just ignore this one transgression, so I murdered him with my fists of cedar (maybe pine, the mod wasn’t that specific).

As I said above, I have never had mead up until this point, but it was abundantly clear after the first shot that this was going to go down smooth, so smooth in fact that I felt it unnecessary to dirty the shot glasses once again (California is in a drought, guys). It goes without saying that I’ll be drinking straight from the bottle here on out.

Ales Consumed: 2/Drinks Taken: 3

I can’t tell if it’s the fermented wine or the fresh coat of lead paint on the walls, but my steed, Tommy, look awfully…awful. It’s not too far from the truth to say it looks like a horse sized ant eater wearing the skin of a man in jean shorts. I’m unsettled, but then again that’s almost status quo for me, so soldier on, Madame Desk Chair!

T and I have decided to head in the general direction of Whiterun, since we think it’s that way (roll with it) and we’re already less than two minutes worth of walking from being there. Path of least resistance an all (we aren’t try-athletes).

Ales Consumed: 3/Drinks Taken: 6

You know who you can trust? People who hate spiders. That kid in school who had a pet tarantula? Yeah, establish a perimeter of no less than thirty feet because something just ain’t right. I had to keep this in mind during our first Frostbite Nope encounter. Instead of the fanged, hairy freaks typical of the vanilla version (*cough* sorry console plebs *cough*), we’re instead treated to almost adorable renditions of Spiderman. Sure, I feel a bit guilty when it comes to shoving my axe into their abdomens, but four legs beats eight any day, and I think you’ll all agree that we need a little less Peter Parker in the world anyways.

Just your neighborhood friendly Nope

Ales Consumed: 3/Drinks Taken: 13

While I don’t want to twist your arms into it, the video above can do with pictures what I’ll fail to do with words (even words with multiple syllables). While we all remember the sense of fear and wonderment that accompanied our first dragon encounter on the virgin playthrough, such a paltry feeling pales in comparison to seeing Thomas the freaking Tank Engine dive down from the heavens and shoot fireballs at you.

The only thing better than being burnt alive by a childhood memory is being burnt alive by the greatest man this world has ever seen. I’d heard only rumors of this mod up to now, but nothing could prepare me for the angelic form of Macho Man Randy Savage, swooping down from the sky and raining death upon us all. This is what Skyrim was meant to be. This is the future I want.

Ales Consumed: 3/Drinks Taken: 13 Bottle Consumed: 2/3

I’ve often been quoted saying how human creativity is like a fountain or something. It flows and flows and flows, and eventually some kid is gonna throw money at it. I’m not sure where this is going, but along the lines of creativity, someone successfully built a mod that lets me use my dragon shouts in the form of a fart. For this, I’d throw money at that guy/gal.

Somewhere between settling on calling it Fart Roh Dah or Fus Roh Gas, I realized I was so far off track from the game that I might as well switch to plan B; Murder. With all these mods that add boatloads of NPCs to the game, gore-soaked sprees are about as easy as closing my eyes and shooting fireballs every time T says “go”. I do seem to get killed a lot though. It probably doesn’t help that my level perks have all gone into Speechcraft, Illusion, and Alchemy, none of which are handy when I’m hilt-deep in an orc’s midsection.

It isn’t everyday that my character feels like I do…

Ales Consumed: 3/Bottle Consumed: 1

I Did it. I can drink mead all by myself like an adult. I’ll bet you didn’t even know that mead shaped the word “honeymoon”! So what if I only just now read the back of the bottle, you’re not my mom!

At this point I’m trying to work on my New Year’s resolution to not die, so I’ve decided to summon my steed, Tommy, and roam the lands in search of other living room furniture soldiers. We are a strong and proud race, but termites, house fires, and cheap wood screws have left our ranks scant. I can but ride into the sunset, letting my jean-short bedecked companion carry me far across the wild frontier of Skyrim as I search for a higher meaning, and sweet rolls…

Oh hi there..

Bottle Consumed: 1/Ales Consumed: 7

I forgot I was supposed to rate the game, something about it being the point of all this. Skyrim gets ten points for executing a perfect swan dive straight into my heart. The mods get an additional score of ten because, in the eternal words of Macho Man, “The cream always rises to the top! Yeah Brother!”

So concludes another installment of Liquored-Up Let’s Play! Join us next week for more. And don’t forget: Only you can prevent forest fires and suggest next week’s content!

Johnny Ohm

Johnny's first love was writing, his second was beer, and his third was The Elder Scrolls. He is resigned to his fate as a bitter critic who uses the crisping drawer to keep his lagers cold. You can contact Johnny via Twitter or ouija board.

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