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Liquored-Up Let’s Play: I’ve Got Whiskey and Amnesia

Welcome, everyone, to this week’s Liquored-Up Let’s Play! 

Since the series is still in its fledgling form, I’ll be mucking about with the format till I finely tire of it all and settle on something acceptable. Unlike last week’s, this latest installment features a little video guide of my night’s misadventure to supplement the fine reading material below. Enjoy!

Shots Consumed: 0

Because I’m a man of many virtues and I always keep my word (shut up, everyone I’ve ever met), I’ve taken the two suggestions from the comments section of last week’s LULP and flipped a coin to determine tonight’s entertainment.

Because the god’s refuse to smile upon me, the coin landed on Jack Daniels and Amnesia: The Dark Descent. As I’ve made clear in the past, I’m not what you’d call a fan of horror games. As I have yet to mention because it’s never come up in civil conversation, I’m also not the biggest proponent of whiskey, so thanks, guys.

Shots Consumed: 1

My buddy (let’s call him T) and I set ourselves up in front of the computer. I wasn’t going to do this alone, since three hours of crying by myself is hardly worth writing about (take note, tween authors), so he begrudgingly bit the proverbial bullet and joined in.

The game flashes a few screens of text and I fail to pay attention. I’m not the reading type, but from the gist of it all: I shouldn’t feel bad about losing, I shouldn’t try fighting, and I’m about as tough as a litter of kittens. The game already knows I’m a failure.

It looks like someone stabbed a Teletubby

Shots Consumed: 2

I’m a bit taken aback at how unimpressive the graphics are. For a game that came out within the last couple of years, you’d think I’d get something with a little bit more…clarity. Don’t get me wrong, the scenery looks like something that could be scary had it not been composed of a countable number of pixels.

It’s a little nitpicky, but why would I want to lose years off my life from fear and cheap whiskey in low-res? T calls me a skeptic. I retort with un-typable opinions of him. The night goes on.

Shots Consumed: 3

My character has asthma, or maybe emphysema. Whatever actually ails him, the sheer amount of wheezing, gasping, and blacking out is getting downright old. The ol’ inventory seems to think I’m alright health-wise, but I’m fairly certain I’ll pass out and knock my head on the cobblestone floor before anything scary happens to notice me.

If I recall correctly, and it’s quite alright to assume I’m wrong, Amnesia came out around the same time as Slenderman, and was included in the top however-many hyped horror games of the year. I don’t understand the attention so far. All I’ve done is painstakingly open drawers (who designed that horrible open interface, by the way?), collect tinderboxes, and wheeze from room to room.

I don’t need a videogame to do that on my own, thank you very much.

Sh0ots Consumed: 4

That last gulp really didn’t do me any favors, and the subsequent bite of pizza tasted like the inside of an aged oak barrel, or a shoe (I haven’t licked the inside of many barrels, lately). The grimacing you see is just how I express my gratitude that someone suggested such a fine vintage of fermented sweat, or whiskey, however you pronounce it.

As I soldier on through all the poorly lit rooms, I keep finding notes scribbled on paper that looks far too cobweb-free to have been here for any serious amount of time. While some of them are read aloud by my character (or someone with my exact same name), others are just long diatribes that I couldn’t be bothered with. As a result, I only partially understand what’s going on. Something about a funky orb, two dudes locked in a wine cellar, and Africa.

A phlegmy cobweb…a phlegm-web?

Shots Consumed: 5

About forty or so minutes and I have yet to see anything remotely spooky. There was a shadowy figure here and there, but overall, just a bunch of dust and dry heaving. The Sanity feature (let’s call that my Whiskey feature), which causes you to become disoriented if you’re in the dark for too long, doesn’t really seem to have any other consequence save for being really freaking annoying.

I went ahead and snagged myself one of the two guinea pigs, just to see how nonplussed other species would be when faced with the moral dilemma of whether or not to spend time opening all the drawers. She didn’t seem too happy, and soon the indignant cries of something whose dinner was disrupted filled the air.

Shots Consumed: 6

I made acid. Not that kind, but the *ssssssssizzzzzzle* kind. I finally got around to collecting a million little ingredients (to be fair it was probably closer to five or six), and mixed em’ all together in a lab that would make Jesse Pinkman cringe. The acid ate through a previously discovered phelgm-web, and it was nothing but progress from there.

Just came across the first scary thing worth noting. Whilst in the throes of a seizure or coughing fit, I look up from the ground and see a dark figure stalking around the massive wine barrels to my left and right. I’ll give it to Amnesia, that was genuinely something I wouldn’t want to experience twice.

The new centerpiece for my lawn just arrived.

Shots Consumed: 7

So the bottom line here is that I no longer want to be in water. Ever. I’m serious, I don’t need to shower for the rest of my life, right? As I strolled through the next couple of rooms, feeling brave and sloshed, I found a hall filled about yay high *about this much* with murky water and broken boxes. As I splashed through, I hear the sound of more intense splashing. Not the kind of splashing one achieves with the Converse high tops I assumed my character wore.

Then I saw it, or didn’t see it. Each footfall made a visible splash, but it wasn’t connected to anything. It’s like Casper the friendly ghost at bath time, if Capser had a knack for ripping open my jugular as I tried to run. I should probably talk to a therapist one of these days.

It’s time to let T play now.

Shots Consumed: 8

T did little better than I, and after switching back and dying a slow, soggy death a few more times, we finally figured out that closing the door and staying OUT OF THE GHOST WATER would do us more good than harm. I’ll be lying if I said the excitement has made me want to puke (it surely can’t be anything else).

We got out of the water, but at what cost? I finally found the one thing I’d been expecting all along, the only thing I knew about Amnesia. Him, or her, or it (admittedly I can’t tell). That floppy-skinned, mouth-agape horror. It stalked me, and no amount of shrieking, crouching, or jumping did any good. I even tried doing those things in game, yet no relief came.


I think…I think I’m done. I know a place down the street that does karaoke. The floors there aren’t covered in a layer of water and I’m fairly certain nothing wants to stalk me (unless they realize I’m that guy with the ridiculously large tab).

In closing, I’d like to simultaneously thank and curse Bongo1138 for suggesting I put myself through this. I’ve never felt so much love and hate for a reader…keep it up!

So concludes another installment of Liquored-Up Let’s Play! Join us next week for more. And don’t forget: Only you can prevent forest fires and suggest next week’s content!

Johnny Ohm

Johnny's first love was writing, his second was beer, and his third was The Elder Scrolls. He is resigned to his fate as a bitter critic who uses the crisping drawer to keep his lagers cold. You can contact Johnny via Twitter or ouija board.

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