It came to my attention last week, by way of a very cruel taunting from someone I thought cared about my feelings, that I have never purchased a game in the form of a “special edition”. I’m not sure if this attests to my stingy nature or the fact that I enjoy eating more than I appreciate statues of Alduin on my bookcase, but whatever the reason, up until this point I’ve always opted for the basic release, preferably even an E-copy over anything physical.
Since I consider myself a citizen-of-the-world type, I decided to dig in and do a bit of research on the subject to better understand my fellow man. Why were people drawn to these pricey bundles, what kind of catnip for humans (human nip…wait, no) had they sprinkled over each of these cellophaned boxes of plastic and lead paint? Soon enough, what started as an honest search for scientific evidence quickly devolved into a witch hunt as I scoured the internet, becoming less and less invested in the human race’s survival every time I saw the listed contents of a popular bundle. So it is with the disappointed sigh of a parent whose child comes home with an 8th place ribbon, eagerly expecting them to frame it on the wall, that I present the top five worst bundles that have ever graced the market.
#5. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II Collector’s Edition
What You Got
Like many bundles today, The Force Unleashed II Collector’s Edition came with a combination of physical and in-game goodies. Digital items included an exclusive costume, a new lightsaber crystal, and three new challenge mode levels. Outside the game, buyers were rewarded with a collectible Steelbook and a 2GB USB flash drive crafted in the likeness of the main character, Starkiller. This package hit the shelves and sold for $79.99.
Why You’re Disappointed With Yourself
Take a second to dig around your pockets and fish out the flash drive you’re currently storing all your novel ideas and dirty pictures on. A quick look on the side and I guarantee the storage at least doubles that of the one provided in this package. Two runty gigabytes is barely enough to store a single pirated copy of any Star Wars movie, let alone something as important as a better videogame. Oh, and did I mention that half the storage was already taken up by a digital art booklet? At this rate, you’ll actually have to empty the damn thing before you can upload a single picture of you at the beach with all two of your friends. While I could harp all day about the drive’s lack of ability, let us not forget the fact that it’s decorated to look like Flynn from Tron Legacy, but I guess since that too is a videogame (because industry standards are at an all time low), the two can just package the same piece of plastic and sell as is.
#4. Bulletstorm Epic Edition
What You Got
The release of Bulletstorm was accompanied by the massive hype-train that came with the announcement of Gears of War 3, which admittedly was half the reason anyone paid attention to this otherwise mediocre shooter. the Epic Edition, only available for the Xbox 360, included a visual upgrade to the famous “leash”, a few bits of armor and weapons, and exclusive access to the Gears of War 3 Beta. The Epic Edition sold for $59.99, the same price as the game on other consoles.
Why You’re Disappointed With Yourself
Since the special edition was the same price of the regular game, I can really only berate those who bought the game for the items included in the package, as opposed to those who bought the game solely for the purpose of actually playing Bulletstorm. You know you’ve got a piss-poor product when the bacon bits of your special bundle are the access codes to play a completely different game (well, completely different in theory). “Here,” Bulletstorm says sheepishly, bringing up a prompt at the main menu, “enter your code and we’ll take you far away from this dreadful place, there’s no reason you have to suffer like we did!” I must say it’s awfully considerate of them, but I would’ve at least wanted to try the game before completely discounting it for a AAA testing phase.
#3. Dead Island Riptide Zombie Bait Edition
What You Got
The Dead Island Riptide Zombie Bait Edition included a handful of in-game perks and some other, more tangible, bits of art. Along with a steelbook collector case for the game, Dead Island Riptide also threw in a 31 cm high statue of a busty/brutalized/British woman’s torso, crafted out of resin and hand painted to really bring out the gory detail. This special edition was only available in Europe, starting at €119.99.
Why You’re Disappointed With Yourself
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume a grand majority of my readers aren’t necrophiliacs or Charles Manson, so I shouldn’t have to spend too much time explaining why everything about this bundle is inherently wrong to the core. Apart from the fact that they titled the damn thing “Zombie Bait”, as if the undead no longer craved brains but instead were out to prey upon well-endowed women at the local pub, you have to keep in mind that this was hand painted. Someone, most likely in a dimly-lit factory, rubbed their hands all over this thing, probably while reciting lines from Silence of the Lambs. The whole theme brings up a strange and worrisome mix of both nausea and arousal (with the former taking the lead), and anyone proudly displaying this on their coffee table probably shouldn’t be around other people.
#2. Call of Duty: Ghosts Prestige Edition
What You Got
Call of Duty: Ghosts Prestige Edition is one of a long line of COD special editions chock full of physical and in-game treats. Included in the bundle is a 1080P HD tactical camera, nine feet of genuine paracord, a collectible steelcase for the game, and a handful of in-game promos designed to let people know you have more money than them. The whole package sells for $159.99.
Why You’re Disappointed With Yourself
Instead of turning on your console and playing the actual game, why not take the camera and nine feet of rope and use them to record your bankruptcy-inspired suicide? That way, no one in the matchmaking lobby has to suffer through seeing your ridiculous player card, knowing with dread in their hearts that they’ll have to waste bullets on you in the next round. If it sounds a little harsh, I regret to inform you that I couldn’t be less sorry if I physically tried (which I assure you, I won’t). The energy exerted in convincing me (and yourself) that you didn’t just waste all your allowance money would be better spent curing cancer or learning how to tie a proper noose.
#1. Saints Row IV: The Super Dangerous Wad Wad Edition
What You Got
For the price of $1,000,000.00 (I kid you not), you get to unbox the following:
- Saints Row IV: Commander in Chief Edition
- A trip to space on a Virgin Galactic Flight
- A replica of the famous Dubstep Gun
- Hostage Rescue and Spy training courses
- Plastic surgery
- A personal shopper and new wardrobe
- A week for two in the Washington DC Jefferson Hotel and Dubai with First Class flights
- A Lamborghini Gallardo with a year membership to Super Car
- A Prius
Why You’re Disappointed With Yourself
While I’m actually quite taken with this cocaine-fueled combination, I was still able to find two reasons why this would be a stupid purchase, so straight to the #1 spot it goes! First and foremost, someone on the internet (because we all know how reliable that is) tallied up all these goodies individually and only came up with a price of $629,974.69, so someone somewhere is skimming a little off the top with the official price tag. Apart from that, the only other reason I would make fun of you with unrelenting tenacity is the fact that it comes with a Prius, and like the bloody Dead Island Riptide porn statue, I should not have to explain myself.
