Two Pump Chump – Spermination Review

Developer:  Phr00t’s Software
Publisher:  Phr00t’s Software
Platform: PC (Steam)
Review Copy Provided By:  Phr00t’s Software
Release Date: April 29, 2015

I’d like to think I maintain a certain air of stern professionalism when I review whatever game graces my inbox, whereupon I approach cheap gimmicks and goofy stunts with the face of indifference and hold a certain composure akin to that of the most dour critics. I’d like to think all of this is true, but this game is about semen and I simply cannot type another word without laughing my ass off.

Best Way To Describe A Clusterfuck
Spermination, a game whose name probably has me on every NSFW list available, allows players to participate in the ultimate race for life in a brightly colored, procedurally-generated cervix. Each round places players inside their very own sperm-mobile, equipped with custom weapons, armor, and engines. At the beginning of each round, a thousand gooey AIs and you all start off guns blasting and engines blazing. Murdering fellow swimmers as you wind your way through the twisted, fleshy walls of some lady’s insides ensure you’ll be the first to reach the egg and finish the act of procreation, but there are more dangerous threats than your trigger-happy brethren. Whiles the cavernous Fallopian tube offers speed boosts and cash pickups, the walls of this dank dungeon host a dazzling array of turrets and weapon mounts. Can you survive long enough to make it to the egg first?

It’s Dangerous To Come Alone, Take This
The sheer number of enemy AI you have to either outrace or outshoot is simply staggering, and each level starts off in the same explosion-filled frenzy. While you don’t start out with any cash on your first round, a handful of pickups and a decent kill count on your maiden voyage (ha!) will allow you to purchase a few different upgrades for the next round. Different guns, engines, shields, and specials can be purchased for a nominal fee, and while these upgrades only apply directly to the next round, you’ll soon find your sperm bank fills up faster than you can spend it all (eww). The multiple types of guns, including a scatter gun, rapid laser, and ion torpedo, all vary in effectiveness, and I never really needed the extended shield, as I only ever died once. Upgrades to the engine and special abilities are absolutely necessary, however, and the game does a decent job of balancing all of these boosts with your AI counterparts.

Haven’t I Seen This Cervix Before?
As I mentioned earlier, the maps of each race are procedurally generated, so you’re guaranteed to see a new set of squishy bits every time you play. I’d like to think this makes a difference one way or another, but the amount of unremarkable twists, turns, dips, and rises all melded together. The only difference I noticed per each new level was a change (sometimes) in the color scheme; the rest was lost on me.

Which brings me to the major shortcoming of the game. Once you’ve successfully reached the egg with the title of “First Come, First Sperm,” there really isn’t all that much left to do. Sure you can marvel at the fruit of your loins like some weirdly illegal trophy, which I’ll get to later, but there’s little value in semen spelunking if you’ve already proven to be the Michael Phelps of the jizz world. I understand that price may be an arguable point, as the game doesn’t cost all that much, but any purchase I make should leave me feeling fulfilled, whether I come by it on my first or fiftieth playthrough. Spermination has little of the replay value that begs anything more than a one night stand, and while I had fun with it in the sheets, it felt like nothing more than a fling.

Got You For 18 Years
While it may not last long, Spermination does offer you the chance to do something truly beautiful. You may get caught up in the mad dash and fire fight, but once you reach the egg and stake your claim as first and fastest (the act is not a race, fellas), the game rewards you with a baby all your own. Like the miles of cervix you traversed to get to this point, the colorful bundle of joy is also procedurally generated each time you win. Each of your creations can be found for later viewing pleasure – or disgust – in the Minivan menu area, and while they may look like the Southern result of a drunken family reunion, some players may look upon them with a sense of pride (shoutout to all my Alabama readers). It’s a nice way to keep track of how fertile you are, and I plan on showing this hall of fame to all my future mates in hopes of proving my virility.